I know I’ve been pretty hard on Mark Millar of late.
Hell, three of the seven blog-posts I’ve written—including this one—have been about how terrible he is as a writer, creator, famewhore, and human being. Lord knows I wish I could stop writing about him and his horrendous comic book work, but for some goddamn reason, he just keeps on making horrendous comic books!
Nemesis #3, the third issue in Millar’s infamous “If Batman were the Joker” book (which he infamously claimed was the most original idea there ever was), hit the stands on Wednesday. Needless to say, it also hit new levels of literary excrement. Thank god Tony Scott—the poor man’s Ridley Scott—is turning it into a movie!
I scanned the most heinous parts of the comic for your viewing pleasure (he said ironically):
So Nemesis, or whatever the fuck he calls himself, kidnaps Commissioner Gordon’s daughter and son as a means of heaping decades-old revenge upon the guy. Additionally, Nemesis forces Gordon to unveil certain family secrets lest he prefer to see his son and daughter die in agony—namely, that his son is gay (above). Whoopity-goddamn-doo.
When Gordon is completely forthright in answering Nemesis’ questions, Nemesis releases both the daughter and son unharmed. Or, as Nemesis puts it:
Hmm. Did anything…stand out to you in that last panel? Anything at all? Maybe you just need to see it blown up a bit:
No? Nothing? Nothing about that headline that stands out in the slightest? Come on. Put your fucking thinking caps on, people. Here, let’s try that zoom button again:
There it is.
That’s right, Nemesis takes Commisoner Gordon’s gay son’s semen and implants it into his straight daughter’s vagina for the purposes of gay-artificial-insemination. (Yeah, apparently we’re being very specific about everybody’s sexual orientation for some reason.) And we’re to believe that CNN—or ENN, or whatever the fuck—wrote the most ridiculous headline in the history of their admittedly ridiculous headlines. Why in god’s name would that headline specify the son’s sexual orientation? For what possible fucking reason? I’ll tell you why: IT WOULDN’T. Mark Millar is just a prepubescent child who likes to write thunderously immature things like “GAY BROTHER IMPREGNATES 100% HETEROSEXUAL (except for that one time in college) SISTER IN HER SUPER STRAIGHT, SUPER SEXY LADY BELLY.”
Because he’s a moron who thinks he’s the Quentin Tarantino of comic books. Hate to break it to you, Millar, but you’re not even the Seth McFarlane of comic books.
But god, do I wish that were all she wrote! Unfortunately, no. Brace yourselves:
Holy fucking goddamn. Everything inside me just melted. Everything.
This reminds me of playing Spaceman VS. Aliens with my nephews. Because they’re actually children—legally children—they make up crazy rules that give them the upper hand in our make-believe shoot-‘em-ups. They have invisible shields that block incoming cannon fire that don’t, for some reason, block outgoing cannon fire! They have jetpacks that only they can use; laser guns that only they can fire; swords that are bigger than both their bodies combined—swords that I can’t lift, but they sure can. Somehow? Magically? They don’t care.
There’s no rhyme or reason to it. Much in the same way, there’s no rhyme or reason to that last panel by the one and only Mark Millar. How did Nemesis rig Commisioner Gordon’s daughter’s womb so you can’t abort the fetus because it’ll destroy the womb in turn? Millar don’t got time to answer that sort of question!Why can’t those super-expensive, super-smart doctors figure out a way to abort the fetus without rendering Gordon’s daughter barren? Magic, motherfuckers, says Millar from his writing chair! (It’s a lazy boy, FYI.)
I’m not even going to comment on the art, which I think is fine but not worth writing home about—certainly not so good that I can overlook how hideous and stupid the rest of the book is. Bravo, Steve McNiven. You’re drawing the dumbest book out there. Give yourself a pat on the back, et cetera.
P.S. I have been known from time to time to edit comic book panels by adding new dialogue that makes fun of the comic books they came from in an effort to bring myself joy and laughter. I wouldn’t blame you if you thought I added the dialogue in the above panels. Sadly, though, I didn’t, and I didn’t need to. That shit up there is 100% authentic Millar-grade dialogue.